A bit about me

Hullo!

So I have this blog, yes. We have established this fact.

I have failed to mention who I am, though! So here I go.
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I am a 20 year old nomad, with absolutely no solid life plans at the moment. I have been travelling with various programs for about 3 years now, and have been away from home for 2 years or so. I first started my travels when I went to Germany in 2010 with my school. I was in a German program at my high school and we were given the opportunity to go to Germany on an exchange. I lived there for about 3 months, and this is what made me really want to travel more. The times when I was desperately lonely and one smiling face meant the world to me gave me the courage to maintain my faith in people and to view the world through eyes other than my own for a change.

Right after coming back from Germany I sent myself straight to a French learning program called Explore. At first I had been disappointed that I was going to be placed in Winnipeg, where I'm a mere 20 minute bike ride from the Explore residence, but my trip to Germany had made me extremely home sick. So I really did not mind being able to visit my family over the weekends in this case. This was a healing process for me, for sure. I was so glad to be close to my family and simultaneously discovering a new community of people from all over Canada. This was the perfect way for me to calm my spirit after a hard 3 months away from home.
Explore program ended after 5 weeks, and I went back to school for grades 11 and 12.

Life went on, I finished school, and a week after graduation I took the plunge and joined Katimavik. I lived with 11 other people for 6 months, doing full-time volunteer service in Ontario and New Brunswick. This was a pivotal point in my life, as it was the very first time I had been so deliberate in leaving home for this kind of time-span, knowing absolutely nobody. It was terrifying. And it was the best experience I have had in my life so far. I still have contact with people I met on this program, and for that I am so grateful.

Katimavik ended, and I fell into a deep sense of withdrawal. I had a really hard time readjusting to my old life, and I honestly never fully got back into the rhythm of things. I had changed too much. My friends had moved on, gotten their own friends and half a year of university under their belts. These changes are normal and there was nothing wrong with it, but I felt like an outsider. I took a spring course and got a job to fill in the gaps and to keep my mind off of how much I missed Katimavik, but it only took so long before I spiraled back into depression. I needed to fuel the fire again and do what I felt God calling me to do.

And this is when I made the decision to resign from my job and join Mennonite Voluntary Service.

I am now in Edmonton, where I have been working with people in the inner-city and discovering what it means to "walk what you talk." A lesson that I had always advocated for in my mind, but had never thought possible for someone like me to carry out. With a new interest in social issues and serving others, I will continue on this path that will possibly lead to working with a non-profit in some shape or form.






Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy. You know, these past few years have been spent trying to find myself. Everywhere I go I meet new people and have new experiences, but I struggle to really understand what community means in a voluntary context. We become a community, for sure, but then we have to part ways and choose our respective life paths. I struggle with this. But that is how it goes, eh?

I'm getting excited

Hey there!

So these past few weeks have been spent in preparation for San Antonio. Being the emotional person I am, this has not been an easy process for me. I am sad. I am unbearably excited. I am scared.

For me, this transition that occurs when preparing for and arriving in a new place has happened a number of times. I have been away from home for so long that the mere idea of travelling is not too daunting anymore.
But it is a completely different story when you actually reach your destination and realize that your old life is worlds away. I will never get used to that unsettling feeling deep in the pit of my stomach when I enter a place full of people I have never met before. There is expectation there, from both you and the people around you. Right now I can prance around and proclaim all I want that I am going to San Antonio for mission work. How that translates into action, however, is entirely up to me and to the people supporting me in Texas. This is unnerving. It is hard to not have control.
I have learned over this year that serving God means letting go of what is comfortable. I have let go of control over my life, materialistically and spiritually, and this is terrifying. When I think of money I actually feel slightly ill. I know that I am poor. This is the life of a volunteer, though, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I have seen the face of God here, whether I have wanted to or not. Sometimes he gently takes me by the hand and stands quietly next to me as I go about my work. Other times he will violently shove me into something unknown and foreign and scare the hell out of me. Most of the time I feel like he's sitting on the sidelines, observing, with his hands free and ready to catch me whenever I stumble (which is often). I have appreciated his grace and understanding as I have learned more about myself through trial and error. I have made mistakes, many mistakes, but there is forgiveness. And life goes on.

So. Another adventure, more people to meet, and a new life to begin.

The Pursuit of Comfort

We had a reflection at church, and these are the thoughts I had on it.

The scripture reading:
"'God's kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field for years and then accidentally found by a trespasser. The finder is ecstatic-what a find!-and proceeds to sell everything he owns to raise money and buy that field.'
'Or, God's kingdom is like a jewel merchant on the hunt for excellent pearls. Finding one that is flawless, he immediately sells everything and buys it.'" Matthew 13:44-46

-made me think about why I am where I am, and why pursue more service.
Am I pursuing significance? Self-worth?
-giving up everything to follow, what does that even mean in this day and age?
Giving up: security, titles, comfort
What is money if you don't have the love of God?
What is comfort without God? What is education? What is prestige?

False kingdoms:

• What can God do for us, rather than who is God and what can we do with and for him.
• Using church as a pedestal. I am a better person because I come here once a week and financially contribute.
• I come here once a week and sing the right words, but the rest of my week does not reflect that God is a part of my life.
• I profess to love God and can maintain polite conversation at church, but my relationship with own family is being neglected.
• I love the idea of loving my neighbor, but I can't even bring myself to walk downtown and face reality. Neighbors at church are good enough.

a new liturgy for welfare week

Every Thursday morning the interns and a few staff from the Mustard Seed have been getting together spending time in discussion and reflection. One week, during cheque week (or mardi gras, as some people call it), we sat down and read through a liturgy. I do not know the author.

(Based on Isaiah 57-58)

God, Eternal One,

You who live in a high and holy place,

but also with those who are contrite and 

lowly in spirit, to revive their hearts,

We gather once again on cheque week,

lifting up our neighbors, whom we love,

as they spin through another unjust cycle

of having, spending, and needing.

It is the rhythm of this place,

and though we love this place,

we hate this welfare rhythm.

We lament that our friends and neighbors

are given money that helps them survive,

but does not encourage them to thrive.

We refuse to be satisfied with a system 

that does nothing to break the cycle of poverty.

Jesus, teach us how to loose the chains of injustice.

We grieve the fact that our friends and neighbors 

are given money but deterred from offering back,

earning money and serving their community

with dignity.

We refuse to be satisfied with a system 

that entrenches their role as passive recipients.

Jesus, teach us how to break every yoke.

We are frustrated that our friends and neighbors

are given money but rarely offered

the opportunity for life-giving relationship.

We refuse to be satisfied with a system 

that keeps the rich comfortably distant 

from the poor.

Jesus, teach us how to spend ourselves 

on behalf of the hungry.

We are angry that our friends and neighbors

who are battling addictions

will face great temptation this week,

many without support or hope or freedom.

We refuse to be satisfied with a system

that enables pain-numbing,

but not wound-healing.

Jesus, teach us how to satisfy the needs 

of the oppressed.

Jesus, for the times when we turn away

from our own flesh and blood, our fellow humans,

forgive us.

For our pointing fingers and our malicious talk,

forgive us.

For our hunger for power and control,

and our reluctance to lay it down,

forgive us.

Yahweh says,

"I have seen your ways, but I will heal you;

Peace, peace to those far and near."

Lord, we long to be like a well-watered garden;

like a spring whose waters never fail.

We long to see your light break forth like the dawn;

we long for your healing to appear.

May your Kingdom come!

Amen.

Come, Lord Jesus!

Travellers, ho!

The other day I made an announcement at my church that explains a little more about what I am intending on doing in the near future. It's a polite but accurate description of what is going on and how I feel about this year. So here we go:

Good morning,

I want to start off with a story.

The other day I was working at The Mustard Seed’s Personal Assistance Centre, or PAC as we like to fondly call it, where we give away clothing, hygiene products and household items at no cost to our cliental. I was called up to the front of the store to help a young woman who was looking for a summer dress. She seemed very thankful as I hurried to the back to see what we had stored up behind in the warehouse. I absolutely love to help pick out dresses for people, and so this was a task I cheerfully carried out. I came out with an armful of dresses and told her to come find me when she had decided which ones she wanted.

As I was counting out her items at the exit she told me she was so excited to wear the dresses I had picked out. She went on to explain that she would not be able to wear them outside much, unfortunately, but that she could at least feel summery and pretty at a detox program she was about to do. She had finally gotten off the waiting list, and would be starting the program in early July.

She gave me the biggest smile and said that she had been clean for fifteen days, and that she was feeling wonderful about it. She thanked me profusely for the dresses, and we wished each other a great rest of the day.

In that moment I felt inexpressible joy. Someone providing her with a dress was not only clothing her, but was also restoring a sense of dignity and perhaps some long-needed comfort. I had never thought about how emotionally and spiritually difficult living away from your family would be during a rehab and detox program and just how vital these small, familiar pleasures can be towards physical healing.

Working at the Mustard Seed has been an amazing opportunity to see God working first-hand in our world. The joy, the heart-ache, and the times when words are not enough: they are all figures that add up to a sum far more vast than I will ever truly understand. For now I can only say that my view of God’s love and mercy, however limited it will always have to be, has been able to stretch and expand over this past year. 

At first the work at the Mustard Seed was daunting for me. I was overwhelmed by the sea of people who come to eat every night and the rough disposition of many clients---I didn’t understand what “street life” was, and I certainly didn’t know what serving them really meant.  

I began to see an honesty that I have never encountered before, a willingness to open up and speak to complete strangers with no inhibitions and no fear of judgement. This is an honesty that would soon become so intertwined with my own life and will always continue to be the way of life that I aim to achieve.

**A british novelist, William Somerset Maugham, says this,

“We seek pitifully to convey to others the treasures of our heart, but they have not the power to accept them, and so we go lonely, side by side but not together, unable to know our fellows and unknown by them.” If we are willing to listen to one another, community is possible.** (this part was improvised a bit, I totally forget what I actually said :D)

I have learned that the best way to witness to someone is to show them how much you care. This is pretty easy to say, but so difficult to carry out. There are times when staff at the Mustard Seed want to throw the towel in and call it quits. Sometimes it appears that nothing you can say or do will change anything, and that the cycle of poverty and violence is impenetrable. But that woman, clean for fifteen days and so thankful for any help whatsoever (even if that is really only a dress, when it comes down to it) is who reminds me of God’s love and the ability for anyone to be his hands and feet in this world.

On the administrative side of things this organization is quite amazing as well. Non-profits have such a high turn-over rate, and the Mustard Seed is no exception. I admire the dedication of the staff and the willingness to go above and beyond a job title. On any given day you can see at least one person doing the amount of work usually given to two or three other staff members. This has become such a normal way of life for them that we tend to forget just how amazing it truly is. I have gotten to know all the staff, having worked in all the departments, and have come to love every one of them. Everyone brings something unique to the table and works hard to provide for our community, even during those times when we are short staffed and short of volunteers.

My time here in Edmonton is coming to a close, and I am a bit sad to say that I am leaving the Mustard Seed and Edmonton. And yet I am excited to say that I am embarking on yet another MVS adventure! In August I am going to San Antonio, Texas  and will be working alongside the Catholic church with Catholic Charities, Daughters of Charity preschool or The Catholic Worker Community over there, starting mid-August. 

I continued to ask for prayer and financial support, and ended up being unbearably awkward. But cute, because people laughed. So hey, I think it went well. 

Yeah. It all winds down to the fact that I am going to TEXAS. Yes, Marie is taking things to the next level. Am I terrified? Oh definitely. But I am so excited for this opportunity to continue what I have begun. This is a big step in my walk with God and a chance to really understand what my faith means to me. Also, I look forward to a killer tan by the end of it all. Haha.

So tune in next time for an excerpt possibly from the heart of Texas. Possibly a picture of an armadillo, because I'm not gonna lie: they are da sheeeeeee-it. Way too excited for my own good.